Love is complicated
by Damonsdarkheroine
Summary: This is a Stucky one shot. The story sets after Age of Ultron. Steve found Bucky and he's living in the avengers tower with the Avengers. Bucky realizes that he's in love with Steve, but thinks that he is not worthy of his love. What he doesn't know is, that Steve loves him too.


It was a typical morning in the avengers tower. Most of the team members were in the gym practicing.

Bucky took a break from sparring with Nat. He sat on one of the benches taking large gulpsfrom his water bottle. Nat was pretty good and kept him on his eyes scanned the room and landed on Steve. As usual he was boxing his punching bag **.** His back was facing Bucky and he couldn't help but letting his eyes travel over Steve's back muscles and his delicious behind. He licked his lips without thinking about it. A blush crept on his face when the realization of what he was doing hit him. He quickly averted his gaze from Steve.

'For god's sake, Bucky', he thought to himself. 'Steve is your best friend! Get yourself together!' He drank a little more water trying to collect himself.

"Enjoying the view?" Nat voice snapped Bucky out of his thoughts. He looked up to her and saw that she had a mischievous grin on her face. Busted!

His cheeks turned immediately red again. "It's not what it looks like", Bucky stammered, before quickly getting up and rushing out of the room.

Back in his own room he took a quick but very cold shower. Since Steve and Sam found him a few months ago he started to slowly find himself again, but it seems like he was still a huge mess. It shouldn't surprise him after everything Hydra done to him, but suddenly seeing Steve like _this_ was too much for him to handle right now. So he pushed it away. It was certainly just a phase and would be over soon. At least he tried to convince himself that this was true. Not wanting to face Steve or Nat again so soon he spent the rest of the morning reading a book in his room.

The next two weeks Bucky avoided it to stay around Steve longer than necessary. Every time he saw Steve weird butterflies were flying in his stomach. Keeping his distance would make them go away right? It was just easier said than done. Steve wanted to show Bucky everything he liked in this new world they suddenly lived it. Every day he had something new he wanted to do with Bucky. And how could Bucky possibly say no to this? Steve was always excited and cute about those things. He just couldn't deny him anything. Spending so much time with his best friend made it even harder for Bucky to forget about his newfound feelings.

Last night Bucky couldn't sleep, because a certain blonde soldier was constantly on his mind. So it was already noon, when he finally woke up. Bucky's stomach growled loudly. Therefore he stood up to get something to eat. He made his way slowly to the kitchen. Steve was probably there too. There was that feeling again; warm but also kinda uneasy. He signed; it was just his stupid mind reacting to Steve's body. It had no meaning. So why was he feeling anxious to see Steve again?

He entered the kitchen and was hit with the delicious smell of pizza. Momentarily forgetting his confusion about his feelings he stepped around the corner to the eating areaand immediately froze. Almost all team members were gathered around the big dining table eating and chatting with each other, but Bucky's could only see Steve and next to him Sharon Carter. They sat really close to each other and talked about something. It seemed like they were so engrossedin their conversation that they even forgot to eat something, their pieces of pizza still untouched on their plates. Sharon said something funny and Steve threw his head back in laughter. Now she leaned even closer touching Steve's arm, she said something to him which Bucky couldn't hear from the distance. But he could read it from her lips; it was something like 'I would really like to go out with you some time.'

A nauseous feeling spread trough Bucky's body. He couldn't bear it to watch them anymore and quickly made his way to the elevator. He needed fresh air! His mind was so focused on replaying the scene he just witnessed over and over again that he didn't notice Tony, who was stepping out of the elevator with a big stack of papers, and almost ran him over.

"Hey, Bucky. What...?", Tony started, but Bucky was already in the elevator and the doors closed in front of Tony.

Bucky was so in a hurry to get out that he didn't notice that both Steve and Nat looked after him with a worried expression on their faces.

When Bucky was finally outside, he took deep breaths. But it was no use. The scene that was still replaying in his mind wouldn't go away. He couldn't go back inside, _she_ was still in there. So he just walked away not knowing where to go. After a while he reached the central park. His stomach rumbled loudly and reminded him that he still hadn't eaten anything. Bucky bought himself two hot dogs from one of the stands and sat downon one of the benches.

He thought everything through and came to the conclusion that he couldn't deny it anymore.

He had _feelings_ for Steve.

Every time Bucky saw him there was that warm feeling that he could never really describe. He thought that it was because Steve's his best friend; he was happy that he was there for him and that he found him and gave him a new chance for a better life. But lately it was more than that. Steve was more to him than just a friend.

He let out a bitter laugh when he remembered noticing how good looking Steve really was, when he found him in that abandoned warehouse. It wasn't just an observation. No, this had been the beginning of him falling for his best friend. Back in the forties Bucky had always known when he was interested in someone, but everything he been trough damaged him so much that he couldn't even see that any more.

And now it was too late. Bucky didn't even know if Steve actuallyliked men that way. But it didn't matter anymore. Steve had Sharon now. Why wouldn't he want to go out with her? She was beautiful and from what he heard about her – mostly from Steve – she was also intelligent, badass and she stood by Steve's side when Hydra infiltratedS.H.I.E.L.D. She was just like her aunt. And Bucky knew that Steve had loved Peggy before he lost her because he sacrificed himself. And a while ago Peggy died. Since then Steve and Sharon had spent a lot of time together. She was his perfect chance of a new beginning. And Steve clearly got along pretty well with her. Bucky let out another bitter laugh, he had never liked Sharon. Now he knew why. He was insanely _jealous_ of her.

Why would Steve consider Bucky as something more in the first place? Bucky was like a broken toy. He was constantly haunted by nightmares, he had panic attacks when fights get to intense, he adjusted really slowly to the new environment, he barely left his room, he had needed a long time to open up to the other avengers and he wasn't happy with his life anymore. Why would anyone want him?

He stood up and threw the napkins away. He didn't even notice that he had already eaten his hot dogs. They had tasted like nothing. He aimlessly walked through the city. Bucky didn't want to go back to the tower, but he had no other place to go to.

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In the tower Steve was walking up and down in front of the large living room window. It was getting darker outside and Bucky hasn't returned. It wasn't the first time Bucky ran away when something upset him. But normally he would come back after a few hours and then he always felt much better. Steve worry had grown more and more as the hours passed. Should he go outside and search for him? But where could he be? The city was so big!

Steve didn't even know what had upset Bucky. Maybe it was better to leave him alone. He knew that Bucky wanted to solve his problems alone than asking for someone's help. But this time whatever has upset his best friend probably had been too much for him. And there could be the possibility that he got lost in that big city.

Sharon had told him before she left that he shouldn't worry too much. She said that Bucky was a big guy and could take care of himself. Steve knew that and he was thankful for her support, but he knew Bucky way better than anyone and it wasn't typical for him to stay away that long and worrying everyone.

Sharon had been a bit sad when she left, because Steve had told her honestly that he liked her, but just as a friend.

She was great, but _not_ as great as Bucky.

His cheeks turned light pink, when he thought about Bucky that way. It had been a while now, since he realized that his feelings for Bucky were deeper than how it was supposed to be between friends.

He had been so glad when he found Bucky almost a year ago. They had spent their entire time together catching up on everything and soon Steve realized that this happy feeling he felt when Bucky was around wasn't because he enjoyed his best friend's company. No, he started to see more in Bucky.

He had been pretty confused when his feelings for Bucky begun to surface. He talked to Nat about it and she had helped him to embrace his feelings. Every time she got the chance she teases him about this and constantly got on his nerves about confessing his feelings to Bucky. But he wasn't ready for this and Bucky was still recovering. He didn't need to process Steve's feelings for him on top of that.

Thanks to Nat the whole team knew how he felt about Bucky. He was glad that they accepted this and made him see that being bisexual was normal and not something strange like it was back in his times. But there was now a whole bunch of people pushing him to finally talk to Bucky.

It was now seven o'clock and Steve had enough of waiting and worrying.

"Friday?"

"Yes, Mr. Rogers?", the AI answered him.

"Could you tell everyone to assemble in the living room?"

"Of course, Mr. Rogers."

A few minutes later the whole team listened to Steve.

"Alright everyone, you all noticed that Bucky left the tower this morning and hasn't returned since then. I think I'm not the only one who's worried, so I suggest that we split up and go search for him."

Everyone agreed and went immediately outside.

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Bucky didn't know where he was. He spent the afternoon walking through the whole city. Now he was sitting in some bar, gulping down another drink. He didn't know how many he already had. And he was really frustrated that his body couldn't get drunk. He wanted to drown his thought in alcohol and forget about Steve and Sharon. Even though he knew it was no use he kept trying. The barkeeper was already worried, because he was still sitting straight in his bar stool, despite having consumed more than 10 drinks.

It was a while later and Bucky was about to start a fight with the barkeeper, because he refusedto give Bucky more alcohol to drink. Bucky wasn't even nearly drunk. He still felt sober as hell. And he desperately wanted that sick feeling in his body to go away. He lifted the barkeeper up by his collar.

"Listen to me, you idiot. "I need..."

"Bucky, let him down!"

He turned to his side and saw Clint standing there with a worried look on his face. He looked back at the barkeeper, who looked at him terrified. Little whimpers came out of his mouth.

"Pl... please, let me down."

Bucky was lucky that he was the only customer besides a couple that was too busy with making out to notice what was going on.

He let go of the barkeeper, who immediately brought as much distance as possible between himself and Bucky.

"G..go away! Or I'll call the po..police!"

"Don't worry", Clint slowly approached him. "He's not going to hurt you. He was just a little angry. We're leaving now."

Bucky just stared on the floor trying to make sense of his behaviour.

"Come on!" Clint tucked on his human arm and tried to pull him out of the bar.

Bucky gave the barkeeper one last look, he still looked afraid of him.

"I'm sorry", he murmured, not sure if the barkeeper could hear him.

Bucky pulled some money out of his pocket and threw in on the bar table.

They walked out of the bar. He knew that Clint brought him back to the tower. Clint tried to get him to talk, but Bucky didn't want to. His mind was too focused on his near encounter with Steve. What should he say? How can he explain what happened?

Clint sighed next to him and stopped walking making Bucky stop too.

"Come on, Bucky. You can tell me whatever upset you. We were all worried about you. I really want to help."

Bucky looked away from Clint. He was actually pretty close with Clint, because he was the only one understanding, how it was to be controlled by someone else. He trusted Clint, but he just realized his feelings for Steve today. Could he already talk about them? If he did then it was admitting that they were true, that they were really there. He didn't know if he wanted that.

"Or at least talk about it with Steve", Clint voice brought him out of his thoughts.

He looked up to Clint and panicked. Steve was the last person he wanted to talk about what happened.

Clint seemed to notice his panic.

"Or not, but you have to talk to someone, Bucky. It's not good keep to it yourself. It will just upset you more."

Bucky weighted the pros and cons of talking to Clint in his head. He finally made his decision.

"Alright, I will tell you everything. But please promise me to not tell anyone."

Clint nodded. "I promise."

They started walking again towards the avengers tower and Bucky told him everything. How it started and how confused he was, until he realized his feelings today.

Clint was a good listener. He didn't judge Bucky, because he was in love with his best friend or worse laughed at him for being so foolish. And thank god he didn't mention Sharon. No, he just silently accepted what Bucky told him.

They were now in front of the tower, but Bucky wasn't ready to face the others yet. Clint had already told them that he found Bucky and they were probably waiting for him. Luckily Clint noticed Bucky's distress.

"How about we go to the other side of the tower? There are benches and we can talk further."

Bucky nodded, he was glad that he told Clint and that he was so understanding.

When they reached the backside of the tower Clint put his hand on Bucky's shoulder, normally Bucky didn't like it to be touched, but this time he felt supported.

"Listen to me, Barnes. It's totally ok how you feel. It doesn't matter if this is a temporary crush or something more serious. You don't have to feel ashamed for your feelings. Take your time. You don't have to tell Steve right away. If you need someone to talk, I'm there"

"Thank you, Clint."

"Anytime."

"We should probably go inside."

Bucky signed loudly. "You can go inside, if you want to. I want to stay a little bit longer here."

Clint had an unreadable expression on his face. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I just need to think this trough." Bucky was begging him with his eyes to just let him sit here a little longer.

"Alright, but don't stay too long out here."

Bucky nodded. Clint started to walk away, but Bucky called him back.

"Hey, Barton! How did you find me?"

Clint turned around and laughed.

"I'm a spy remember? I have my methods."

A little smile spread across Bucky's face. He was glad that he was able to smile again. "Goodnight, Barton."

"Goodnight, Bucky."

Now Bucky was alone again with his thoughts, but at least he felt a little better.

He didn't know how much time has passed since Clint left him, but the cold of the night was getting too much for him and he was tired. Everybody was probably asleep and he needed to sleep before he has to face Steve in the morning.

When he stepped out of the elevator, he was surprised to see that Nat was waiting for him. She had a worried look on her face and looked him up and down to make sure that he was ok. He gave her a tentative smile and Nat's expression changed to relief.

She took a step to him and embraced him in a hug. He was stiff at first, but then relaxed and hugged her back. He felt happy that everyone cared so much about him and the hug comforted him after the long day.

Nat released him just to punch his human arm really hard.

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"Never do this again, Barnes! Do you realize how much you worried us? Steve almost went crazy! It's a miracle Bruce could convince him to go to sleep."

Bucky signed. "I'm so sorry."

"Well, let's not repeat this."

"I can't promise you that, Nat. But I try."

She didn't look content with his answer, but she let it pass.

"Now tell me what got you so upset. We couldn't get one single word out of Barton."

"Please, Nat, I'm very tired. Can't that wait until tomorrow?"

"Oh no, you're not getting away with that. And I'm pretty sure,I can help you better than Barton."

Bucky wasn't in the mood to fight Nat on this. This was going to be a very long night.

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Steve laid in his bed and stared at the ceiling. He couldn't sleep and he still worried about Bucky. He was happy that Clint found him, but he wanted to know what had upset his friend. He originally stayed awake to give Bucky a chance of talking with him about what happened, but it seemed like Bucky didn't want to come to his room to talk. Not like usual, or at least not with him. Clint told him and the others that Bucky was fine and that they had talked about everything, but he kept shut about what had been the problem. He didn't even want to tell Steve. Steve felt helpless. He didn't know how he could help Bucky.

It was the next morning and Steve felt like hell. He actually felled asleep, but he didn't sleep well at all. He entered the dining areaand was surprised to see Bucky sitting on his usual spot drinking coffee and eating a sandwich. He looked very tired and a little down, but otherwise he seemed fine. Relief washed over Steve, he cared so much about Bucky, that he could only relax when he actually see Bucky in flesh and unharmed, even though Clint had already assured him that everything was ok.

Unsure how to approach his best friend he walked over to the table and sat next to him. He noticed that everyone on the table was quiet. Wanda, Pietro and Vision sat next to each other and silently ate their breakfast, Tony was reading a newspaper, Bruce just stared at his coffee and Thor was eating a massive amount of food, at least Sam gave him a little nod when he locked eyes with him. There was no trace of Nat, Clint, Rhodey or Pepper. Steve looked questioningly at everyone and realized the tension in the room. They all gave Bucky unsure glances and he guessed that everyone was still worried about him. No one wanted to disturb or upset him.

Steve made himself a coffee and drank it quickly, he needed energy for this.

"Hey, Buck", he quietly greeted his friend, but it was so silent that everyone heard it and looked to them.

Bucky was now visibly tense and didn't say anything. He just stared at his plate.

Steve signed. "You know you can talk to me about everything, right?"

Bucky nodded slowly, but still didn't look to Steve.

"You don't have to tell me now, Buck. I just wanted to let you know, that I'm always there for you."

Bucky nodded again, but stayed silent.

Steve decided to give him some time. He was clearly not ready to talk with him about it. But it still pained Steve. What was upsetting Bucky so much, that he could tell Clint, but not Steve? Did he do something wrong? Was it his fault? What could he do to cheer Bucky up?

xxxxxxx

The rest of the breakfast was pretty awkward and as soon as Bucky was finished with his sandwich he got up and quickly ran into his room. Being so near to Steve nearly killed him. He had tried his best to not look into his beautiful blue eyes, but his typical smell had invaded his senses and his whole body had felt his present and the heat radiating from him. It had drove Bucky insane. And hearing Steve voice and the worry in it, it was almost too much. But he also noticed the slight sadness, when he didn't give an answer. He hurt Steve by not telling him and he didn't want that, but telling him everything was not an option right now. He wanted to run away again and to get as far away as possible. He couldn't deal with his feelings. He was a broken wrack and Steve couldn't help him this time, because he was the reason for the chaos inside of him.

But he couldn't do that, he promised Nat last night to not run away again and he couldn't do this to Steve.

Was love supposed to feel this way? He never was in love before, at least not like this. It would certainly destroy his friendship with Steve, if he ever told him. Their friendship would never be the same again. But Bucky was sure now that his feelings wouldn't go away now, it was too late and he was in too deep. Not when he felt like this around Steve. Like he was in heaven, but at same time also in hell, because he could never have Steve. Not leaving his room was probably the best option right now.

xxxxxxx

It was a few weeks later and Nat couldn't watch it anymore. Steve tried almost every day to get Bucky to talk to him or to cheer him up somehow. He even found some candy that they used to eat as kids, but Bucky keeps avoiding him. Every time Steve steps in a room Bucky was in, he runs away. And then Steve looks disappointed and looks after Bucky like a lost puppy. If he can't escape he barely talks and acts completely strange. They're both acting so obvious that everyone besides them know how they feel about each other. She tried talking to Bucky, when Steve gave up a few days ago, but he refused to change his behaviour. Nat knows that Bucky is probably too afraid to ruin his friendship with Steve, but he if keeps acting like this, he will destroy it in another way. She has to do something.

xxxxxxx

Bucky was standing on the roof of the tower. He couldn't hide in his room anymore, because he needed fresh air. Otherwise he would've gone crazy. But if he went outside, he was afraid to be tempted to run away and never come back. So the roof has to do it. He was normally not like this. But what was normal for him? Hydra changed him; he wasn't the Bucky Barnes from the forties anymore.

He had enough time to think about everything. He now realized that his fearto lose Steve's friendship wasn't the only thing that kept him from telling Steve. He was broken beyond repair, Steve deserved someone with whom he could laugh and be happy. Bucky didn't know if could do this. There wasn't anything right now that could make him laugh, not even Steve, he was miserable and there was always the guilt, because he did so many terrible things. Steve had Sharon and even if not, there was certainly someone else. And why would he ever want someone like Bucky? It was a miracle that Steve hadn't already given up on Bucky.

He turned around when he suddenly heard voices. He signed; he really wanted to be alone. His heart made a little happy jump when he saw that Steve was one of the people coming towards him. He both wanted to run to him and at the same time away from him. But something was wrong. Nat, Clint, Thor and Tony basically dragged Steve to him, who didn't look happy at all.

"Come on, guys. He won't want this, it's better to leave him alone." Bucky heard Steve talk to them.

"No, Cap. You two will have a nice little chat now", Stark dragged him even harder towards Bucky. Bucky wanted to slap Tony. How could he treat Steve like this?

"Hey, Barnes! It's time to stop moping around. You and Steve really need to talk." Clint nearly shoved Steve into Bucky's arms, but Steve could stop himself before he fell into Bucky. He now stood directly in front of him, but looked down.

"I don't think this is a good idea", Bucky started to protest.

"See! I told...", Steve started, but was interrupted by Nat.

"No protest! We are going to lock the door and only let you in when you finally made up."

Thor nodded and said "And I will put mjolnir in front of the door, there is no escape this time."

With that they left them alone on the roof of the tower.

Bucky looked after them and sighed, they obviously all know about his feelings for Steve.

Steve swore and tried to push the door back open, but it was no use. He slid down on the floor and looked up to Bucky.

"I don't know what I have done to upset you Bucky, but I'm so sorry."

Bucky shook his head. "What are you talking about, Steve? It's not your fault."

Steve looked surprised. "Then why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not!", Bucky tried to deny it, but he could see at the way Steve looked at him, that he didn't believe him.

"Bullshit, Bucky! The others are actually right. We need to talk!"

"Please tell me what's wrong." Steve was pleading him now with those beautiful blue eyes. How could he say no to this?

He buried his face in his hands and took some deep breaths. There was no escaping this conversation this time. He either tell him or they were stuck here forever.

He looked back at Steve, who now stood up and slowly approached him.

"Come on, Buck. It's just me. Please talk to me."

Bucky didn't know where to start. He turned away and begun to walk up and down.

"I want to, Steve. I really do, but I don't know how."

"Just start with the beginning."

Bucky faced Steve again and then he just blurted it out.

"I really like you, Steve, as more than a friend! But you have Sharon and I'm just a broken mess, who can't even deal with having feelings for you! I made you worry and I hurt you and I ran away every time you tried to talk to me! I even considered running completely away, so that you never have to see me again! I don't deserve you and this is killing me!"

During his speech he turned away again looking at the pitch black sky and the shining stars. He didn't want to see Steve's face. It would hold nothing but remorse and maybe pity.

Suddenly he was spun around and soft lips were pushed against his own.

He was surprised at first, but then he closed his eyes, responded to the kiss and surrendered to the sweet sensation.

Steve pressed his whole body against Bucky and Bucky felt a fire that was ignited everywhere Steve touched him.

Bucky pulled Steve closer; there was no space between them anymore. He pulled at Steve's hair showing him how desperate he was for this kiss.

Their tongues collided in their mouths making Bucky feel like he was in heaven.

The minutes passed and their passionate kiss slowly turned into something more gentle. Bucky shivered in Steve strong arms, he never felt like this.

They broke their kiss and leaned their foreheads against each other.

Bucky couldn't see anything besides adoration and lust in Steve's eyes.

"I like you too btw", Steve grinned widely.

"Good", Bucky's grin matched Steve's perfectly.

Their perfect moment was interrupted when they heard loud cheers from the other side of the glass doors.

The whole team was assembled celebrating their newfound relationship.

Tony opened the door and stepped outside to them.

"You see, I told you that you needed to _talk_." He winked at them.

Steve chuckled and for the first time since a long time Bucky laughed wholeheartedly.


End file.
